Patriarchal Plague

You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this one!  I think I’m wondering the same!

Of late I have had so many thoughts converging in my mind around the topic of the Patriarchy.  I’ve had so much to sort out, and I’m not claiming to have landed yet, but I do believe there are some things I’ve noted that could have relevance for partners of adults on the Autism Spectrum (Neurodivergent), the audience I belong to and write for.

Perhaps those reading this will think “Duh Carol, we know this, we know the damage that patriarchal constructs have done and are still doing in society, what do you think feminism is about?!”, and I accept that, but there will be some like me who were raised and socially groomed on the inside of patriarchal systems who actually didn’t know it was a thing and that not everyone lived like that.  I’m specifically referring to traditional or religious communities in this instance as you can probably guess, but as I’m becoming more enlightened and courageous in challenging and deconstructing unhealthy belief frameworks, a bigger societal picture is becoming clear to me, and its potential relevance to our ASD world.  Bear with me.  This is not an article about religious harm, etc, although that is certainly a topic of deep concern and focus for me at the moment, but when writing for partner support I seek to talk about concerns and concepts that will be of relevance to all of us, which I hope this can be.

The fact is, from what I can tell, our whole society is built upon an historical patriarchal structure.  Us, our partners, our parents, their parents, their parents …  I’m assuming this has come from centuries of religion and its influence on society?  I’m not qualified at all or knowledgeable enough to talk in depth about this, I just want to mention what I’ve been considering.

In previous writings, and in counselling sessions, I often explain to partners that I suspect people on the Spectrum relate more to a role and the tasks of that role instead of the more fluid or flexible process of interaction and negotiation within an equal relationship.  We learned in our support group that people on the spectrum have more of a “systemising” brain where neurotypicals have more of an “empathising” brain.  A systemising brain will look for structure, frameworks, patterns, formulas, roles, rules, etc.  This creates predictability and order, and helps them cope and know what to do.  If our partners have been raised in families with more traditional roles, then I suspect they will seek to perpetuate this in some form within their own family, at least in theory, and not only relating to their own role, but also the role of their domestic partner.

I think the punchline of what I want to say is not so much about patriarchy and traditional roles as such, but that I think many boys have been raised for their future roles in society rather than raised to know who they are and how to be mature and present in relationship.  Are we seeing perhaps that outside of a defined role they actually don’t know how to be or what to do?  Maybe this also enabled the older generations of men on the spectrum to remain far more hidden because they could quite effectively wear the mask of the traditional male role and no-one expected more of them outside of that?  On thinking further on this, perhaps women could also be masked by their domestic role?

There are many other strands I could further pull on.  This raising or grooming of boys for their future gender roles, does it also contribute to setting up a sense of entitlement we see in some, providing another mask or platform to avoid vulnerability or accountability?  And are they so confined by the definition of their role that they cannot attend to tasks or requests that would take them outside of what they have assigned to their role?  This reminds me of PDA (demand avoidance) and how this may be playing out here too, the absolute need for autonomy and setting the terms of engagement.  Do these phenomena reinforce each other in some situations?

Another phenomenon I believe I’ve identified is how every additional task we (the partners) add to our own list just seems to become another task assigned to our role.  For partners who are neurotypical, our nature is to be considerate, to be generous, to be helpful, to assume there’s an exchange of goodwill taking place, only to discover that once performed that gesture becomes expected and another task assigned to our role rather than part of a reciprocal and loving exchange that nurtures relationship.

I’m not sure what the take-home message from this is other than to validate more partner experiences and perhaps expose some possible clues in relation to working with the roles, definitions of roles and the tasks assigned to those roles.  Can this be used as a means of negotiation, trading tasks or just making sense of what’s taking place?  Who would have thought we’d be assessing our relationships in terms of KPI’s?