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My Asperger Marriage

From the beginning an awareness that something is wrong

A relationship that’s fundamentally flawed and limited

Intimacy eludes every effort

Subconscious grief Cold reality slowly settles in my heart

A loneliness that shouldn’t be

A relationship that consumes every facit of my being

Yet abandons my basic human need to belong

Controlled, yet abandoned

Dominated, yet neglected

Needed, yet no-one

Promised, yet nothing Diagnosis acknowledges what I already know

It is everything I thought, yet more

Blackness engulfs my soul like a shadow with form

Crushing out every whisper of hope

Or anticipation of something better

At first a relief

A book of answers for decades of questions

Reassurance of my own sound state of mind

Acknowledgement of all the hard work and pain

Just keeping it all on track No healing, no solution, no remedy

A new way to live

A new way to love

New rules for ordinary things

Strategies for daily functioning

Mechanical methods

Altered responses

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health

All of these, all at once

A different state of being

A different definition of marriage

Bound, but alone

Alongside, but solitary The sense of loss is engulfing

Loss of hope

Loss of dreams

Grief for what will never be

No union of two free minds and souls

Bound in love, care and respect

It’s not like that and never will be

One free mind

One with sharp corners

One soul that lives and breathes with love and spontaneity

One that calculates and orders, hides, fears and rages

No effort on my part can change his state of mind

My love doesn’t warm him

My care doesn’t reach him

My personality doesn’t win him

My feelings and opinions don’t sway him A different life - Anon (14 December 2002)


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