From the beginning an awareness that something is wrong
A relationship that’s fundamentally flawed and limited
Intimacy eludes every effort
Subconscious grief Cold reality slowly settles in my heart
A loneliness that shouldn’t be
A relationship that consumes every facit of my being
Yet abandons my basic human need to belong
Controlled, yet abandoned
Dominated, yet neglected
Needed, yet no-one
Promised, yet nothing Diagnosis acknowledges what I already know
It is everything I thought, yet more
Blackness engulfs my soul like a shadow with form
Crushing out every whisper of hope
Or anticipation of something better
At first a relief
A book of answers for decades of questions
Reassurance of my own sound state of mind
Acknowledgement of all the hard work and pain
Just keeping it all on track No healing, no solution, no remedy
A new way to live
A new way to love
New rules for ordinary things
Strategies for daily functioning
Mechanical methods
Altered responses
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health
All of these, all at once
A different state of being
A different definition of marriage
Bound, but alone
Alongside, but solitary The sense of loss is engulfing
Loss of hope
Loss of dreams
Grief for what will never be
No union of two free minds and souls
Bound in love, care and respect
It’s not like that and never will be
One free mind
One with sharp corners
One soul that lives and breathes with love and spontaneity
One that calculates and orders, hides, fears and rages
No effort on my part can change his state of mind
My love doesn’t warm him
My care doesn’t reach him
My personality doesn’t win him
My feelings and opinions don’t sway him
A different life
- Anon (14 December 2002)