I am writing this thought as a bit of a
word of caution. My focus is on the nature and extent of investment
we make into our relationships in a variety of modes, some examples of which
are warmth, time, effort, love, resources, gestures, gifts and of course
finances. We know what we are investing
because we are aware of the choices we are making about this all the time. Our primary relationship is where we channel
the best of what we are and have because we are creating meaning both for
ourselves and, hopefully for our partners as well. At least, this is always our hope and
expectation - that what we are investing into the relationship will be
recognised for the contribution that it is and the goodwill we believe we are
creating. We also hope that our
contribution will be appropriately received.
We have a natural expectation that our partners will value our
contribution as much as we do, and of course that they will respond with warmth
and goodwill too. There is also a
natural expectation that our partners are investing as well, perhaps in
different modes to how we contribute, but at least with devotion and
goodwill. And it’s important for us to
recognise their gestures and contribution too. All in an ideal world. For some of us in relationships with an ASD adult,
there is a gradual realisation within our souls that the ways we are
contributing are not actually being recognised or valued. I’ve touched on this in a previous writing,
but just wanted to expand on it a little. The reason why I think it could ultimately create
trouble is if or when one of these relationships ends and negotiations are
attempted to measure or value each partner’s contribution in order to work out
a fair and reasonable settlement. We
know it’s not all about the money, and the Courts recognise the existence of goodwill
and all the many ways that partners contribute to their situations over many
years. It is always nice to think that a
settlement can be worked out without the help of lawyers and courts, but when
our partner can only measure their own contribution and not ours, we are left
in a somewhat disadvantaged and powerless position, unable to influence an
outcome that we know is fair. What concerns me is that in a number of situations
I’m aware of, the ASD adult can only recognise the modes of contribution that
can be measured, which are typically only the material and financial aspects. For those who’ve adjusted their own careers in
order to have children, to study, to support their partner’s study or career
choices, etc, all things that couples do to support each other and their lives
together, they may be left in a shaky position. I don’t mean to create fear, but as we learned in
our April meeting, awareness places us in a position where we can make choices
now about how and what we continue to invest into a relationship that may not
actually ultimately be the relationship and future we have imagined and are
working towards. If an ASD adult doesn’t recognise the ways you know
you are contributing because he/she cannot measure that, you will not be able
to quantify your contribution at any point in the relationship including if and
when the relationship ends. This is part
of that black hole we talk about.
Pouring our hearts and souls into a relationship and person we value,
but not having our contribution valued.
This is similar to the concept of saving money in the bank but the
statements never showing the deposits, and the balance is still nil. Ultimately we may realise a similar feeling
to being bankrupt even though we’ve invested much. Our contribution is too precious to be
content with that. May 2014. |